The past number of weeks has been what I like to call a volcano period. It’s like little things build up and up and finally, they all get on top of me and I just explode.
First off was the teenager becoming increasingly hormonal. Like I can’t say a thing to him without been answered back or the tears flowing.
The house needing to be redecorated I have to move kids around rooms so I can finally get my bedroom back. Moving Callum downstairs and changing the playroom into a bedroom. I was nervous and excited for him. I am nervous because he is still only 12 and I think I forget that a lot of the time. But he isn’t a baby either so I have to let him have his own space. The girls got new bunk beds and Gabi moved from a toddler bed into a bunk bed, and I finally got my dream kitchen after only starting it in 2015.
For the past two weeks I was soo busy, so the children’s needs were forgotten about. Resulting in them saying “fuck it Mammy and Daddy are not paying attention to us, let’s be shit heads”.
But been busy and stressed out resulted in me not thinking about the mini marathon and an appeals hearing I had with the social welfare.
I got to the mini marathon the crowds of people was overwhelming and frightening. And also I couldn’t stop thinking of the London and Manchester attacks. There were no bag checks at the marathon and with all the hype about how the Garda might not be prepared if ISIS was to attack. I was scared. I couldn’t wait to get it over with.
The next morning was my appeal hearing and I was relatively calm until something switched in my brain. I don’t know what it was, that triggered it off, but that was it the volcano had erupted. Resulting in me having biggest panic attack ever, I couldn’t breathe, I was choking, I felt I was going to suffocate. I kept repeating to Karl I’m not going, I don’t need to go. The thing I fear the most is what was going to be happening me, I was going to be judged. And that terrified me. The journey down was slow and daunting. I was hyperventilating I actually tried to take off my bra and seatbelt just to help me breathe. When I got into the appeals hearing forty minutes late because I just couldn’t handle it. The lady was lovely and very accommodating, However, I might have to go back.
My village was ruined
The volcano had truly exploded and covered the village around me in molten lava. Karl was submerged into my anxiety, he was sucked in and couldn’t help but feel anxious for me. Usually, he can handle it and tells me that it will be fine, but he felt like he had to fix me but couldn’t! He felt like he either going to run or get buried in the molten heat that was my anxiety!
The kids couldn’t even talk or make noise without me going ballistic on them Gabi’s poor little face looking at me when I shouted at her just made me feel a hundred times worst! I was paralysed and numb for the day.
So when I say I needed the break. Both me and Karl needed the break it was true. I needed to recharge my batteries and pick myself up from the mess I have been the past few weeks.