Weighty Issue…

It’s been a good few years since I was a size that wasn’t in double digits. When I first met my husband 15 years ago I was a size 8. I got pregnant with my first child when I was 19. I went from a size 10 and ballooned up to a 22 during my last month of pregnancy. Even my earlobes but on weight. It was my 21st birthday 6 months after I gave birth and I had to shop for a dress. I didn’t want to admit it but I squashed into a size 14. Looking back at the photos I hate it. But that didn’t put me off stuffing my face. For years I always stayed at a 14-16 and at one stage I was happy with who I was. It didn’t matter if I was fat. I was happy and I wasn’t happy when I was starving myself.  It was a false happy

I joined Slimming world January 2014, I was only losing a lb one week and putting two on the following week. No matter how much I stayed on plan I wasn’t losing weight. It wasn’t until valentine’s day 2014 that I found out I was pregnant my third child. Second pregnancy in 2 and half years. Tummy grew and stretched and my muscles lost their elasticity.  After the birth of my 3rd child, my anxiety went the roof.  The doctors put me onto a new anti-anxiety tablet, one of the side effects of this tablet I was weight gain. I gained 2 stone.

My husband sat me down and said the words that no women wants to hear. “I think you are letting yourself go”, that at that moment he couldn’t say that he found me attractive. My heart sunk. I know to people might think that that sounds like he is a complete ass, believe me, I thought so to too at the time. My husband doesn’t have a filter he says it like it is. I am actually grateful for it now at the time I felt awful how I could let myself get like this. Why did I start to let myself go? So I started a new shake diet and joined a gym. I’ve never been on the inside of a gym before. I started to lose weight in 2 weeks I lost a stone in 4 I lost 2 stone. Was fitting into a size 12 jeans. Then while I was on the treadmill at the gym one day I was chatting with my friend and something dawned on me. My period was late. Eeek not again I was pregnant with baby number 4. 3rd baby in 4 years.

So after been immobile for 2 years with back pain and 3 pregnancy in 4 years the walls of my tummy has almost disintegrated. I have Diastasis recti, the walls of my tummy had separated. Drs said I’ll never have a flat stomach and will always have that pouch.

Well after watching my sister’s wedding video yesterday I hate the way I look. I know I was 8 weeks after giving birth. But seriously I was huge. I am huge. My tummy looks like I’m 9 months pregnant and I have as many chins as in the Chinese phonebook. And that is going to be there forever. Every time I look at a photo of the wedding I’ll be fat in it. And I have absolutely no motivation. I’m going on holidays in 12 days and the thoughts are making me anxious. Will I look like mutton dressed as lamb? Are the photos are going to haunt me for ever. So there is no chance of me getting pregnant again. And I have no excuse. My aim is to lose a stone by June that’s 3 months roughly 5lbs a month. Just need to put down this packet of peanuts and hide all the chocolate in the house.

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